just me

I guess I've been feeling contemplative lately. So this blog may be pretty random today but it's just me. I can't believe how much love I feel for the little boy upstairs playing in his room. I hear his little feet running around excited about this car he's been driving around all morning. And as I play some music to get this thought going he hears it, runs to the stairs and starts singing. Oh, be still my heart, I never imagined how I could feel so much bursting love for an individual I just met 16 months ago. Everyone should experience this!

I had my ten year reunion a few weeks back and when I first learned this year that it would actually happen, I can't believe the sort of mid-life crisis I started to hit. I started to question everything I thought I was sure about. I wasn't sure my life had amounted to much. Where was my worth in the eyes of my old classmates? "Oh, I'm just a mom and a wife right now" How could I tell people that? When this world calls that lazy, uneducated, nothing. But I am something, if only they knew. I have the most important job on the earth, raising a content little boy who will have to grow up and teach some of their children what chivalry looks like, how to treat others, how to care deeply for things, how to love, how to lead, etc. Because his friends may not have gotten a mom to stay at home and teach them all those things. Not only that, I play a huge role in my husbands ministry. I play a huge role in the kingdom of God, but society doesn't recognize that as job. And on top of that, I am educated. I have studied, psychology, education and recieved a degree in journalism, that's writing and researching. That's something. And it takes a bigger person to walk away from all that possible self-assurance to be "just a mom" for a season.

What I face now is, I feel like I'm still trying to find myself. I go back and forth to thinking I know who I am and looking at old pictures and realizing I'm still working on it. Maybe because of the way I grew up, I didn't have long committed relationships. I had trust issues. I had some really great friends but when that started to fade because of one reason or another I moved on to the next great friendship. The result was I left high school for college and moved on with friends there. My friendships seemed real proximital (is that even a word?). Don't worry, I have a few relationships that I still nurture, but it gets hard to do that too, again, proximital. Maybe that's why getting married for me was the best thing, I had a legal and spiritual committment to a relationship with fading away not even an option. But, trust me, it's much more than that. But what I'm saying is, that because of this, because I don't have someone in my life that has stuck with me through everything, maybe that's why I feel lost sometimes. Family has been there, but after college I was pretty much on my own and changed in ways they probably couldn't keep up with. Maybe this is why God makes so much sense to me, where as others who can't make any sense of God. But he's seen everything, EVERYTHING!!! And he is so real to me, because I've shown myself to him and he's STILL with me, and God has shown himself to me. In times when I just needed to know of his realness, I've discovered it, or rather, he's shown me. Call me crazy, just do it. But all I really need is to know it for me. What your life is like with God is between you and HIM.


Sorry for the rambling, thanks for being good listeners, err, readers. :)